It's been a year...

It's hard to believe that it's been a year since my dad died. Tomorrow is the day that we've all been dreading. The day that it seems no matter what we try to do, will be overrun with memories of dad, of missing his sweet face, his sense of humor, his love for his wife and his kids. The past year has been incredibly difficult to say the least. It seemed that every holiday that he wasn't there was tougher than the one before. There's just that little part of me that wants to believe that this has all been a nightmare and he'll just come back home. I know that it's not the case, but I think it's just so hard to accept that he's really gone. Forever. I'll never be able to look in his eyes again. Never be able to tell him a funny story. Never laugh with him at the marvels of modern technology. Never walk into a room and just say "Hey Dad" - ever again. What I would give to walk in and hear him say "Hey Liz." I loved that. Very few people in my life have ever called me Liz - I just loved the way he said it. I just miss him so much. The void that has been left in my heart is indescribable. The pain that I would not wish upon anyone else. It's so hard for me to think about having kids and the fact that they won't ever know their "Gramps." They'll never know how much he loved to have fun, what a good cook he was, and the fact that he would do anything for his family. I know that my dad had his faults, his weaknesses, his struggles. I don't wear the rose-colored glasses and I know that things weren't always butterflies and rainbows, but the pain was worth it. And I would live through it all again just to have more day with him. To tell him how very much I loved him. How proud I was of him for his many accomplishments. How much I respected his steadfast love and tender spirit. Just the chance to really say good-bye to someone who shaped my life more than any other.

I can't believe it's been a year since we got the call from my mom. She called on Sunday afternoon to say that dad had gone to the grocery store and hadn't made it home. Danny had just graduated from the police academy and offered to ride over to mom's with me so we could figure out what had happened. It's just insane to me to think back on that day. To pull into the Kroger parking lot with my mom, Danny and Ashley and see the van that dad loved so much sitting in the parking lot with police officers surrounding it. Thank God Danny was there to talk to the officers. The look on his face told us everything. We knew right away that things weren't good. I don't think any of us wanted to believe what we heard. Just the sheer emotion of it all took my breath away. I felt like my entire life was swept out from under my feet. The rest of the day and the week that followed are just a complete blur. Calling family members, having to tell Vannah that Daddy was never coming home from the store, making preparations and decisions about things that had never been discussed. I spent the next several hours and days surrounded by friends and family, just trying to come to grips with the cards we'd all been dealt. I've said several times since then that I remember doing things over the past year - things at work, buying the house - but so much of it is just a blur - completely clouded over by the loss of my dad.

To honor the legacy that dad left to us, his children and family, I am posting some of the pictures that we showed at the funeral. Tonight was the first time in the past year that I've looked at him. It wasn't easy. All the emotions that we went through are fresh again. It's like tearing the wound open, but I'm opening myself up to the healing that I know will come.

Where it all began - mom and dad on their wedding day...

Dad and me - so sweet

Dad and Ashley - oh how he loved Christmas!

Dad - with his shades on

A Daddy's girl if I ever knew one....God how she loved him

Many years ago - he loved our family vacations

King's Island

Dad and me - I think at King's Island

Dad chaperoned my trip to Space Camp in Alabama - I think in 5th grade. I think he had more fun than I did!

Cooking - as was the usual (man do I miss those hot browns!)

Playing with the kids

I am hoping that tomorrow we will truly be able to celebrate the life of my father. I know that it will be an emotional day, so I pray for the strength I will need to be strong for my mom and sisters and never forget the lessons he taught us about living and loving.

Mark Patrick Radmacher

10/1/55-4/26/09

Missing dad....

Other than starting a new job, I'm trying to prepare myself for the one year anniversary of my dad's death next week. It's hard to believe that it's been a year since I've talked to him, looked into his eyes, or heard that laugh. So many times over the past year, I've thought of a really great story and wanted to share it with him - just call him and tell him I'm coming over and have something funny to tell him. If I could just have one more day...

There's a song that Toby Keith wrote a song for his dear friend Wayman Tisdale who died last year due to complications from cancer (Wayman died just a few weeks after my dad passed). Wayman was a basketball player and talented jazz musician. I heard the song several months ago while I was driving. I had to stop the car because I was crying so hard I couldn't see. The lyrics speak to me and to my dad's love of music.

"Crying for Me" by Toby Keith

Got the news on Friday mornin’
But a tear I couldn’t find
You showed me how I’m supposed to live
And now you showed me how to die
I was lost till Sunday mornin’
I woke up to face my fear
While writing you this goodbye song
I found a tear

I’m gonna miss that smile
I’m gonna miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
I’d do it all again
So play it sweet in heaven
‘Cause that’s right where you wanna be
I’m not crying 'cause I feel so sorry for you
I’m crying for me

I got up and dialed your number
And your voice came on the line
That old familiar message
I heard a thousand times it just said
Sorry that I missed you
Leave a message and God bless
I know you think I’m crazy
But I had to hear your voice I guess

I’m gonna miss that smile
I’m gonna miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
I’d do it all again
So play it sweet in heaven
‘Cause that’s right where you wanna be
I’m not crying 'cause I feel so sorry for you
I’m crying for me

So play your upside-down, left handed
Backwards bass guitar
And I’ll see you on the other side Superstar

I’m gonna miss that smile
I’m gonna miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
I’d do it all again
So play it sweet in heaven
‘Cause that’s right where you wanna be
I’m not crying 'cause I feel so sorry for you
I’m crying for me

I’m still crying
I’m crying for me
I’m still crying

It's been too long...

I feel like I've been away from blog-land for a ridiculously long time! My day to day life is much different than it was a month or so ago! I'm happy to say that I left my old position, where I wasn't very happy and I'm back in a place where I feel comfortable, loved, and supported. It was so fun coming back to work here - seeing people that I hadn't seen in over a year was really exciting! Some of the novelty of the new position is starting to wear off, but I can say, I truly believe this is where I'm meant to be right now. I'm excited for the future here and am getting anxious to get the program started.

I've had so many things over the past month that I've taken pictures of to post on here, stories to tell, crafts to make, and I just haven't sat down to do it. I'm thinking tonight might be the night. I had to post something today so it didn't look like I was gone forever. I'll be back!

Fun!

We had such a great weekend! Friday evening, Danny and I spent at home. I've been fighting a cold so we stayed in for the evening and caught up on some DVR. Saturday morning, I got up early and Vannah and I went to Wild Eggs for breakfast (let me just say, I highly recommend the breakfast burrito). After an early breakfast, we joined by friend Jackie and her sweet little girl Lucy for the Home & Garden Show and the Kentucky Crafted Art Show at the Fairgrounds. The Home & Garden Show was nice - there were so many beautiful things that I knew I couldn't afford, but enjoyed looking at and dreaming about (especially the pools!). I loved the Kentucky Crafted Art Show - there were so many talented artists there and I left feeling very inspired! After walking around the fairgrounds all day, I met my sister and brother-in-law (they were on their way to the UofL game) and was able to spend a little bit of time with my niece before passing her on to my mom and sister. Saturday evening, Danny, Vannah and I had dinner with Danny's extended family. It was so great to spend some time with his family - we just don't see each other enough! I had planned on Sunday being very relaxing, and it was for the most part. Vannah and I had lunch with my friend Macy and then went back to Macy's house to work on some crafts that we were both inspired by at the Kentucky Crafted Show. We went seperately, but both fell in love with these mixed media collages. So, yesterday, we decided to make our own. Vannah joined in on the fun. It was a great time filled with shopping at Michael's (my favorite store), Mod Podge, and paint!

 

Vannah made this adorable collage with the heart/music notes stamp. She added glitter and paint splatter to hers. I just love it! She's quite a talented young lady!

This is Macy's artwork. I love the tree stamp. It's just so doggone cute!

And finally - my interpretation. I love it! I can't wait to make more! The woman who made similar ones to these at the Craft show was selling them for $25!

Last night, I watched the Oscars with my friend Kristin and her dad. They made yummy nachos and we definitely enjoyed the show! I was so glad Sandra Bullock won for best actress - I've always loved her so much and was glad to see her take the trophy home!

 

So the weekend was wonderful and I am definitely looking forward to this week! It's my last week in my current position. I hope to use next weekend to relax and prepare for my new job! I'll start out tonight by having a few drinks with my co-workers to celebrate my last week!

The Feeling Music Brings...

I think I'm having a better day today. At least so far. I drove to Lexington yesterday for a program and had a little bit of quiet time in the car along the way. It always amazes me how music can move you and invoke such strong feelings in people. Sometimes, a certain song or two will come on my iPod and I change it immediately - there are a few songs that get me every time. The song that Dad and I danced to at my wedding is one - who knew how prophetic the song would come to be.

(Okay, so this is weird - I'm sitting here listening to my iPod as I type this - another song that brings me to tears every time I hear it just came on - "Go Rest High on That Mountain" by the wonderful Vince Gill...must change now before tears start falling. Danny and I saw him live about a month after Dad died and I just sat in the VIP section at Horsehoe Casino crying...I just couldn't control myself. I don't know if it's Vince's voice or the lyrics to the song, but it gets me every time.)

Anyways - yesterday, I was listening to my iPod and one of my all-time favorites popped up: "Soulshine," originally by the Allman Brothers Band, covered beautifully by my musical boyfriend, Warren Haynes (LOVE!). I have always loved this song, but with whatever I was going through yesterday, the song spoke to me in a different way. Here are the lyrics:

When you can't find the light
That got you through the cloudy days,
When the stars ain't shinin' bright,
You feel like you've lost you're way,
When those candle lights of home,
Burn so very far away,
Well you got to let your soul shine,
Just like my daddy used to say.


He used to say soulshine,
It's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.
Hey now people don't mind,
We all get this way sometime,
Got to let your soul shine, shine till the break of day

I grew up thinkin' that I had it made,
Gonna make it on my own.
Life can take the strongest man,
Make him feel so alone.
Now and then I feel a cold wind,
Blowin' through my achin' bones,
I think back to what my daddy said,
He said "Boy, in the darkness before the dawn:"

Let your soul shine,
It's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.
Yeah now people don't mind,
We all get this way sometimes,
Gotta let your soul shine, shine till the break of day.

Sometimes a man can feel this emptiness,
Like a woman has robbed him of his very soul.
A woman too, God knows, she can feel like this.
And when your world seems cold, you got to let your spirit take control.

Let your soul shine,
It's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.
Lord now people don't mind,
We all get this way sometimes,
Gotta let your soul shine, shine till the break of day.

So there I was, driving to Lexington alone, belting this song out, tears streaming down the face. I love it. And now, the iPod has shuffled and landed on my ultimate music pick-me-up. If I am having a bad day, I put this song on and it always makes me smile. What is it? Well, it's "Gin and Juice" originally by Snoop Dogg (not a favorite), but covered by "The Gourds." Just something about hearing a bluegrass/country band sing a rap-song gets me every time!

I'm having a bad day...

I really am. I'm trying to snap out of it, but I'm just frustrated. I want this time in my life to be in my past. I am ready for new challenges and new adventures. So, I dug deep and found a couple of quotes that are often helpful to me.

"The purpose of life is not to be happy - but to matter, to be productive, to be useful, to have it make some difference that you have lived at all." ~Leo Rosten

I think this quote is saying that once you are productive, once you do matter, once you are useful - you will be happy. I am generally a happy person, but over the past few months, I've realized that I need to get "back to my roots" and back to what matters to me most. I need to feel that the work I am doing is connected to a mission that I believe in with my entire being. I believe I've found that, and now I'm ready to start again.

"You can't change the world but you can change yourself. You shouldn't concern yourself with other's perception of you but rather concern yourself with your character, which is the true measure of who and what you are." ~ Coach John Wooden

Danny sent me this quote many years ago. I think I was still away at college and we were doing the long-distance thing. Those were some great times, but definitely had their trials. I can't remember the situation I was going through at that time, but Danny emailed me this quote and I have kept it pinned to every office bulletin board I've had since then. It really just speaks to me. So here's to a better day! And a very happy birthday to my dear friend Macy!

Just in case you want to buy me a present....

I'll take this! The new book by Kelly Cutrone, founder of the PR firm "People's Revolution." Her new show "Kell on Earth" has quickly become a new favorite. I love her. She's the kind of lady who cuts right through the BS and gets straight to the point. Her one-liners are priceless. So - if any of you were thinking of buying me a book (and I'm sure that's at the top of your to-do list), this is the one that I'll take.

And if you don't already know, I have an addiction to books. I love to read, but I think even more than that, I love to buy books. I love being surrounded by them. I love re-reading a book I haven't read in a long time. My book obsession is probably worse than my crafting obsession. Thank God for Half Price Bookstore.

I can't wait to get my copy of this book...to ready Kelly's story and get to know her better!

I love my life...really, I do.

I just have to say today, that I love my life. I have so much to be thankful for and today, I am choosing to be thankful. I have a wonderful husband who makes me laugh everyday and works hard to provide for us. I have the most amazing, beautiful sisters a girl could ever ask for. I have wonderful friends who will drop everything and be there for me in the middle of the night. I have my mom, who though she has her faults, does make me laugh a lot - there's just something to say about the bond between a mother and her daughter. I have a wonderful extended family, including the parents, siblings, niece and nephew that I gained when I married Danny. I have my beautiful Taylor and silly Jackson. I have a loving father who I know is watching me each day, and each day, I send him my love and try so hard to make him proud. So many good people in my life!! I feel like I have been a little vague about some things that my girls and I are going through....that is completely intentional, and perhaps someday soon all will be revealed, but the time is not now. Sometimes, life is just tough, but I am so thankful to be surrounded by so many people who love and support me.

I saw this quote today, and found some peace in it: "The best way out is always through." - Robert Frost. How true is that!? You can't run from your problems (they will inevitably catch up with you). You can't ignore them (they will sneak up and get you when you least expect it). You really just have to go through - not around, and you will find your way out.

To continue with my random thoughts for the day....someone said to me yesterday, "Do you see the light at the end of the tunnel?" My internal reaction was "Yep - I see the light. It's a different light than what you're seeing, but I do see a light." (Of course, I just replied with a "Yes!" and the conversation moved on.) This short exchange reminded me of a song by Shooter Jennings (the incredibly talented son of Waylon Jennings, and husband of Drea de Matteo). The song is called "The Song is Still Slipping Away" and the one line that I just love is "the light that you're chasing in the tunnel is a train." Sometimes, it really does feel like that....you work hard, you feel like you're making progress, the goal is in sight, and you look up and see the train getting ready to smack you back down. Well, my friends (the two or perhaps three of you that actually read this blog), today, I see the light. The real light in the tunnel - not the train, but the light of day. I am working hard to get out of this tunnel and can't wait to see what's waiting out there for me!

Happy Birthday!

It's hard to believe the 4 years ago today my entire family was gathered at the hospital waiting to meet our new niece or nephew. My sister and brother in law didn't find out the sex of the baby, so we were all very anxious. As soon as my sister told me she was pregnant, I just knew it was a girl. We all cried out of sheer joy when we saw her for the first time. This little lady has brought many laughs to our family and I love her so much. So, happy 4th birthday to my most favorite princess of all time - Taylor Reed!

Taylor on her 1st birthday

The not so little anymore Taylor and me at Christmas this year.

Out of fairness - I can't forget that today is also my brother's birthday. Hard to believe he's 30! Happy birthday bro! Love ya!

Upcoming Activities....

I have several things coming up in the next few months that I am super excited about! Work is really crazy right now....I have lots of big projects on my plate and trying to find the time to accomplish all of my goals is really stressing me out. So, I am planning to take time for myself. A few fun things to look forward to:

1. Craft night! I just love it - if I do craft night by myself or have a few friends and bottles of wine over, I love it. It's a good release and let's me see something to completion.

2. Pure Romance Party - this is going to be wild and so much fun. More girls only time, but it will so be worth it

3. Book/Movie Club - a few of my friends and I were talking about having a book club. We would read books that have been made into movies (and you always must read the book first). After we each read the book, we will get together for dinner to discuss the book and watch the movie. Can't wait for that to happen!

4. Enjoying a work free weekend and some alone time....while I hate that Danny's schedule has changed and he's working weekends now, I am really excited to have some "me" time this weekend.

Beyond that, I am sending out positive energy into the universe and hoping that some shines back upon me. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired....so ready for a change. Hope it's coming soon.

Argh.

It seems to have been a frustrating week for some people close to me (not excluding myself). Days filled with annoyances, frustrations, and generally feeling underappreciated. Sometimes, life just sucks and can get the best of us. I found this quote this afternoon:

"People who fail to achieve their goals usually get stopped by frustration. They allow frustration to keep them from taking the necessary actions that would support them in achieving their desire. You get through this roadblock by plowing through frustration, taking each setback as feedback you can learn from, and pushing ahead. I doubt you'll find many successful people who have not experienced this. All successful people learn that success is buried on the other side of frustration." - Anthony Robbins

I love that last line. I have a vision in my head of climbing to the top of the mountain and being able to see your successes. I know it's cheesy....but I am serious. I spent some time in the Cote d'Ivoire (West Africa) about 9 years ago (hard to believe it was that long ago) and one of my most memorable experiences was climbing to the top of a "mountain." I don't know if it was really a mountain, but it was big. And steep. The 4 girls I travelled there with and I were staying in this village and for several days, we heard the locals talking about this mountain. So towards the end of our stay there, one of the locals said that they would take us to the top. We walked through some beautiful tropical areas and tried all several kinds of fruit and met a few critters along the way. We finally got to the base of this mountain and realized that it was very, very steep. All of us girls were wearing long skirts and sandals. We started to climb and there were a few points along the way that I was ready to quit. But, I decided that I did not want to be the one to go home and say "yeah, I almost climbed this mountain." I wanted to complete the challenge. Well, by the time I got to the top, I had left my sandals about halfway down, I was hot, sweaty and probably a little stinky. But, when we got to the top, our friend (the local) walked away for a few minutes and came back with a pineapple. He pulled out a large knife and cut the pineapple for each of us to eat. It was the juiciest, most delicious pineapple I've ever had in my entire life. The frustrations I felt on the climb were well worth it once I had that small piece of pineapple.

So, to my friends who are feeling a little frustrated - a little blue - a little peeved, dream about the pineapple. We'll get through this and we'll all be better people for it. Once we get to the pineapple (success, if you're following my corny analogy), it will be sweeter, juicier and more delicious than we ever imagined after getting across this mountatin.

My newest addiction...

Besides my renewed passion for crafting, my other newest addiction is the show "Criminal Minds." My friend, Kristin (her new blog is here), has been a fan of the show for quite some time. I know that I had seen at least one episode in the past, but I've so enjoyed watching tons of episodes. Thanks to a few cable networks, "Criminal Minds" is on the air constantly! I have my DVR set to record all episodes and have watched many of them! Typically, there is a quote read at the beginning and the end of each episode, one of the characters reads a quote. There was an episode on a few weeks ago and the character J.J. read this quote at the end:

"Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn." -- C.S. Lewis.

I just can't seem to get this quote out of my head. Over the course of my life, I've had several experiences that I feel really mimic the sentiment of this quote. So many situations that I have survived have taught me tough lessons in life. I try not to allow difficult times to make me a cynical person - sometimes I succeed and sometimes I do not. While life hasn't always been easy, I have learned priceless lessons that I wouldn't have otherwise. In the past, when I would share bits and pieces of my "life story," I sometimes felt like people really pitied me or felt sorry for me. That's not what I'm about. If I didn't go through those circumstances, I know that I would not be the person I am today.

New notecards...

I've had some fun in the past couple of weeks making some new notecards. I'm really excited about these! I made so many over the Christmas holiday, and really liked them, but just felt like they might be missing something. To me, that something was COLOR! I love the whole black and white thing - but I was ready for more.... So, here are a few of the newest collection of "Notecards by Lizzie!" My friend Rebecca is trying to convince me to sell them. My problem is - I love them so much, I just want to look at them! I'll have to send some out, but I just want them all for me! :)

I realized that I didn't take pictures of some of my favorites - I'll have to get those uploaded and post soon!

Not too much exciting happening otherwise. I am so glad Monday is close to over...ready to move forward in this week. I had a busy weekend (we had Vannah's 14th birthday party - wow is really all I can say about that) and have another busy one ahead! On Saturday, I have a "Professional Development" class in the morning, birthday party in the afternoon and fundraiser that evening. Sunday will be completely dedicated to the couch, good food, hopefully a few good friends, and the Super Bowl (GO COLTS!). Perhaps over the course of this week, I'll get in some good cooking, baking or crafting! If so, I'll be sure to document that there.

Happy Birthday!

It's so hard to believe that my "baby" sister is 14 today. It feels like just yesterday (and thank God it wasn't) my parents telling us that they were having another baby. She was quite the surprise, but has been the joy of our family since she came into our lives. Vannah has always been my little buddy. In high school, she came with me to football and basketball games, hung out with my friends, and was always the life of the party. Vannah had nicknames for all of my friends (Aunt Salsa, Uncle Rhino, she even called one "Daddy" much to his chagrin). She has always been such a smart, funny little girl, it's just crazy to see her turning into a young woman. She is so smart, so sassy and really knows what she wants. She is stubborn and proud, but one of the kindest, most gentle souls I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. This year, she'll graduate from middle school and move on to high school. She loves her friends so much and spends a lot of time with them, but she always loves to come to my house to spend time with Danny and me. We enjoy every second that she is with us. She is truly the light of my life and I am so proud to call her my sister. Happy 14th Birthday Vannah - I love you more than you will ever know!

Ahh....the weekend!

I am so glad the weekend is finally here! It's been a long week, full of ups and downs! Tonight, Danny and I are going to see Rodney Carrington at the Louisville Palace. I bought Danny tickets to this for Christmas, so I'm hoping it will be a great time. We're going out for an early dinner before the show. I have a work thing tomorrow morning (I've signed myself up for a Professional Development Program through the networking group that I'm a part of....it's four Saturdays in a row from 9:30-12:30....I am hoping to get a lot out of it!). We really don't have other plans this weekend, so that's kind of a nice feeling. I'm off work on Monday, but hope to spend some time getting caught up on a few work things. Other than that, I am most definitely looking forward to catching up on some rest, DVR and time with my hubby!